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We began to encounter portions of flooded road forcing us to inch through such sections with great caution. I miss-judged one of these low sections of road and ended up stalling the car in a section where the water reached up well beyond the bottom of the car doors. There was nothing for it but to open the doors and wade out. What a disaster! We left the car doors open to provide less resistance to the rushing current, hoping our car wouldn't be washed off the road and into the nearby ditch.

Eventually a friendly truck driver hauled us across and after drying out our electrics we slowly resumed our journey.

Two days later I left for a business trip to Europe. I started getting calls from my wife. "Rick, there's a really bad smell starting to come out of the car". I told her not to worry, "that will be the carpets... just leave the doors open for now and when I come home I'll give them a good shampoo".

Well after I got home I found an unbearable stink and multiple carpet washings didn't seem to help. I eventually decided to have a Motor Trimmer completely replace all the carpets. An hour after dropping the car the Motor Trimmer was on the phone. "Rick, we've just removed the front seats. Did you know that you've got a three foot dead goanna lodged in the springs of the passenger seat?"
• Rick Peebles - NSW

Dumber and Dumber?
I know this is going to make me look bad but here goes. Many years ago I bought a second hand HK Holden Premiere. It was a beautiful looking gold metallic colour with alloy wheels and lots of extras. My mates were really impressed.

A couple of days later I picked up my mate John and he said, "decided to change your wheels already, eh?" "What do you mean?", I asked. "I mean you've changed the wheels which came with the car already", he replied

Well, I went on to explain that the car already had alloy wheels when I bought it. My mate was patient through this and then said, "stop the car for a minute will you?" I did as he requested. John took a stroll around the car then summoned me with a crooked finger. That's when I discovered that there were two alloy wheels of one design on the driver's side and two of entirely different design on the passenger side! Well no-one can see both sides of a car at the same time can they? Oh, just shut up will ya!
• Will Brampton - QLD

Lucas Aphorisms

• Lucas - Prince of Darkness
• Lucas - inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
• The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker, and Off.
• Or what about the other 3 settings: Smoke, Smoulder and Burn?
• The British drink warm beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
• I have had a Lucas Pacemaker for years and never had any trou...
• How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.
• Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency that's all.
• It is not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
• QA called and told the engineer they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.
• Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!
• Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
  Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
  Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
• Recommended procedure before taking on repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken, and walk 3 time sunwise around your car chanting Oh, mighty Prince protect your unworthy servant...
• Appropriate LBC license plate:

• contributed by L.J.H. Melbourne Vic

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