The Perfect Wife
A man was driving a car with his wife when he was suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "good evening sir, you were going 80 in a 60 Km zone." 

The guy says, "no, I wasn't." The wife turns to him and says, "yes, dear you certainly were." The man says, "why don't you just keep your mouth closed?" 

Then the cop says, "you also didn't have your seat belt on sir." Naturally the guy says, "sure I had it on." Again the woman says, "no honey, I'm afraid you didn't" The man turn around and speaks to the woman in a violent manner, "I told you to shut the hell up!" 

Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "excuse me ma'am, but is this your husband?" The woman says, "yes I'm afraid so." "Is he always this mean and rude with you?" The woman says, "Oh no officer, it only happens when he's very drunk."

Out of Step
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering his phone he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Frank, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be extra careful!"
 
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

A Fancy Display
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A police officer passing byt, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good grief mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "Do I look like a stunt driver?!"

Turbo-charged Vespa
A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world's fastest and most expensive car. It's called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.

He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.

At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, "Quite a ride you got there sonny - how fast will she go?"

"About 270 km," answers the executive.  "No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it's a cop the executive comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" wonders the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.

"That just couldn't be," he thinks to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the
Vespa that's crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," replied the old man, "could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please."

Poor Circulation?
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires were getting dizzy!

In the Clink
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain". 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."  

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Safety Measure
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

Big Mouths
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he shoots his mouth off when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat then shouted, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Hey Listen to this!
An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several kilometres back, the passenger door had jolted open and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man glances over towards the passenger seat and says, "Well thank heavens for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Radiator Cap Solution
The mechanic looked sadly at my for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too confused, "do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"Thats only part of your problems" he said. "You really need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can screw the radiator cap down again and that will solve most of your problems."

Not Quite a Chicken Joke?
Q:  Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
A:  Because if it had four doors it would be a sedan!

Lateral Thinking
Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 130 kph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it. 

Bill turns to Bob and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

Bob says, "Don't worry' my brother does it all the time."

So on they go, and bam.... 130 kph through another red light!

Again, "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!"
  
Then they're driving along coming up to another red light, and wham.... it turns green.  Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!

Bill looks over and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? The damn light turned green so why did you stop?"

Bob says, "I figured my brother may have been coming the other way!"

For Whom it Tolls
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. Further down the road the Truck Driver saw a Toll Collector beside the road taking his lunch break. He turned the truck onto a direct course with the toll collector. Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck... I can't run down this toll collector. So at the last second the Truckie swerved to miss the toll collector.

But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but couldn't see anything. He then turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that toll collector at the side of the road. "And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Hmmmm
Q:  Why did the stop light turn red?
A:  You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of a traffic intersection.

Did He Score Many Runs?
Did you hear about the guy who drove into a pizza joint and asked for a prune pizza? He ended up with pizzeria!

Nimble Witted
This bloke bought a new Mercedes sports coupe and took it out on the highway to enjoy his new purchase. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 160 kph he suddenly saw a flashing blue and red light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch my Mercedes," he thought to himself and pressed the peddle to the floor. The needle hit 190 but still the cop stayed on his tail. "What in hell am I doing?" the driver thought and wisely pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word then examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last booking," he said. I don't feel like any more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I've never heard before, I'll let you off!"

The driver thought a moment, then said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop....and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night and tone down your speed", said the officer.

Nice Business
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you'd happily pull people out of the mud at any time of the day or night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole." 

Sign on a public bus in Adelaide:
 "When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step.
 
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language."

Quick Witted Priest
A Priest is driving along a highway but gets stopped for speeding. Spotting a bottle on the passenger seat the cop says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". Only water", replies the Priest

"Then how come I smell wine on your breath?" asks the cop. The Priest's shoulders sag and in a resigned voice he whispers, "Oh no, don't tell me He's gone and done it again!"

Thirsty Work
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
 
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. 

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then
stopped. 

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. 
 
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. 
 
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. 
 
"I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"  

Hard to Handle
Did you hear about the the guys who pulled off a highway heist on a shipment of Viagra bound for Melbourne last week? Well, the police are apparently looking for some hardened criminals!

Watch the Signs
A police officer pulled over a nun driving a car, and said, 'Ma'am, you're 
driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?"

And the nun says, 'Oh, I saw the sign with the "21" and assumed the speed limit was 21 kph"

The officer explains: 'No ma'am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21." 

Then the police officer looks in the back seat and see the other two nuns shaking like leaves.

"Excuse me, Sister, but what's wrong with your two colleagues?" 

"Oh, that's probably because we just got off Highway 205."

Bus Gas!
Confucius says, "Man who runs behind diesel bus is bound to get exhaust-ed."

What a Turkey!
Q:  Why did the turkey cross the freeway?
A:  To prove he wasn't chicken

Opportunist
A guy stops his car at the traffic lights and spots this beautiful chick on a motorcycle. Doing his best to look totally nonchalant and non threatening, he rolls down his window and drawls, "Hi there, I seem to have gone and lost my phone number and I was wondering if I could have yours?"

Not Wheely Funny
Q:  Why did the alloy wheel fall asleep?
A:  Because it just got tyre-d

You Need a Good Ear
Q:  What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang-bang, clip clop, clip clop?
A:  An "Amish" drive-by shooting!

It's Dead Easy
Q:  How do you tell if you're riding in the lead vehicle of a funeral procession?
A:  The view changes when you drive around a corner.

Sounds Logical
Dad and Dave were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.
'You were going eighty!' the officer yelled. "What's the big idea?"

"We have a good reason," Dave explained to the cop. "Our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get home quickly before we had an accident!"